Exhalation
by katilara
Summary: The History Boys. PosnerxDakin. But on earth indifference is the least we have to dread from man or beast.


**Title:** Exhalation  
**Fandom:** The History Boys  
**Rating:** PG13 for groping and language  
**Pairing:** Posner/Dakin  
**Summary:** It's all wrapped up in what it should be, and not what it is.  
**A/N:** For **kyasuriin**, to poke her bunnies! For argument's sake, we'll use movie!Posner. Also, I don't know the state of the Halls at Oxford, whether they're all male or female or which ones are which, so I am very sorry if you happen to be British and I've offended you by screwing that up. :p The Auden Posner quotes is "The More Loving One," and "As I Walked Out One Evening" respectively. And you're right, there will be less sex in the short story. ;) Especially less than the 'first time' they refer too, which is what I originally started out to write. I don't know how this happened. . I think I'll go back and try for it though, when I'm not so sleepy. Quick and dirty beta, let me know if you see anything.

I am so not worthy of this, but I tried anyway. Heh.

* * *

They walked along Parks Road in the dark of middle night, two aimless boys. Their white shirts reflected the little moonlight that peaked through the cloud cover and illuminated them, turning everything around them even darker by default. Though, it could be argued that they did that on their own. Their breathing was even and their gait steady. They didn't really have a destination. It was assumed that eventually they would return to St. Benet's Hall, and the warm comfort of beds, separate. But there was time enough for that. 

Posner stopped and looked up at the sky. He dug his hands deeper into his pockets and stole the last bit of warmth from his thighs. Sucking in the cold, wet air he wished he'd brought a proper jacket. He hadn't planned on any late night walks, but then, everything about Dakin was an anomaly to him, so he should have known better than to expect anything.

As the echo from Posner's last step died away Dakin stopped. He didn't turn around. "Are you coming?"

Posner didn't answer. He squinted his eyes and tried to see the bright specks of light amongst the condensing vapor that stood guard between him and the rest of the universe. He took a deep breath. "Looking up at the stars, I know quite well, that, for all they care, I can go to hell." His voice was the only calm thing about him, the rest of his essence pulled taut by Dakin's mere presence. He hated himself. It wasn't a phase, that didn't bother him any more, but he wished he could adore anyone but Dakin.

Dakin turned and looked at him. Posner didn't have to peer across the dark space between them to know that Dakin's face was smugly annoyed. Or, if he was lucky, open with an eyebrow quirked in interest. But never what he wanted to see, never a genuine smile, never acceptance.

"I can't believe you still know that shit." Dakin pulled a box of cigarettes from his shirt pocket and selected one quickly. Posner heard the click of the lighter and saw the quick flare of light out of the corner of his eye. He didn't look, he had memorized the many facets of Dakin's face long ago and the beauty he knew he'd find only put him more on edge.

"I've learned more since then." He was so wrapped up in his mock indifference that he didn't hear Dakin walk back to him.

"Learned more of what?" Dakin's breath ghosted over his neck and chin and he shivered involuntarily, engulfed in the smell of exhaled nicotine.

He cursed himself. "But on earth indifference is the least we have to dread from man or beast."

Dakin moved even closer to Posner, and his chest rubbed against Posner's shoulder. Posner bit down on his lip. He turned his head to the side and looked into Dakin's chin. He wished he'd at least grown to be taller than Dakin. Posner wanted to beat Dakin at at least one thing. It really wasn't too much to ask.

"Come now," Dakin said. He was infuriatingly close. Underneath the cigarette he smelled of crisp aftershave that made Posner's nose even cooler, and the whiskey they had been drinking earlier in the evening. "I know you've learned things that didn't have to do with poetry." Dakin leaned into Posner as he spoke, and Posner could feel his heart unraveling. It was a pleasant change from the ache.

"You have learned a great many things too." He tried to keep the snideness out of his voice, but the way Dakin leaned back slightly told him he hadn't quite succeeded. He decided he didn't care.

Dakin shrugged off any reference to women, much like he shrugged off the conquests themselves. "That's what we're here for, is it not?" None of them had been important enough to have taught him anything.

"Right, as always." Posner sighed and took a step away from Dakin. It was like coming to the edge of a dense cloud of fog. Everything was a little sharper. He took another step, looked back, and smiled. Reveling in the return to clarity that grew stronger with every centimeter he put between the two of them, Posner walked to a small copse of trees and kicked one lightly a few times before he turned and leaned against it. He closed his eyes.

Dakin padded across the grass and the noise was deafening when compared to the silence around them. Posner kept his eyes closed. He wished for two things simultaneously and didn't hope for either. He was not hoping so hard that when he felt Dakin's soft, dry lips press against his own bitten, wet ones, he swatted at Dakin, imagining for a second that some large moth had landed on him.

"Ow!" Dakin pulled away quickly. "I know last time wasn't ideal, but you don't have to hit me."

Posner's eyes snapped open and he looked at Dakin, holding his nose, dark eyes reflecting the light, and he laughed. Suddenly, he could see everything. Dakin huffed into his hand. "What's so funny?"

"You are," Posner said, and chuckled lightly. "And I am. And all of humanity. Oh God, I'm an idiot."

"I'm not inclined to argue."

"That's good, you know I've never been able to win against you." Posner looked up into the branches. He licked his lips.

"You really are an idiot. You win everything else."

"I've never wanted anything else." The calm spreading across Posner's stomach disconcerted him. He tucked the feeling away for later.

"Would having me really make you happy?"

Posner stared at Dakin. He'd asked himself that question so many times and never found a suitable answer. "No," he decided. Leave it to Dakin to pull the truth out of him.

"Then why do you hold on to it? There are loads of blokes you get on with, I've seen it. I've seen you happy around other people. All I do is hurt you, and I'm not going to stop."

"Why did you ask Irwin for the drink?" Posner shrugged. "It's the subjunctive. If I really accept someone else then it won't be a possibility any more. It's been one for so long that I don't know how to live without that."

"Oh, fuck the subjunctive," Dakin said. He pushed Posner's shoulder against the tree and leaned into him. Their noses almost touched. Dakin held his right hand away from Posner's body, careful not to burn him with the smoldering tip. "Life is subjunctive. Even if you did accept one of those others, I'd still be alive, everything would still be possible. Is mere possibility the thing keeping you from actually living? You're a bigger idiot than I thought."

Posner sucked in a mouth full of air as Dakin leaned into him. His mouth filled with the taste of Dakin's smoke tinged exhalation, and soon with Dakin's tongue. Posner didn't move. He didn't respond to the knee that nudged his crotch or the hand that pulled at his shirt tail. It was the cold air rushing across the small of his back that finally caused him to arch away from the tree. Dakin took that as acquiescence and wrapped an arm around Posner's waist, pulling him closer.

"Aren't you going to help?" Dakin used his elbow to gesture Posner's hand towards his belt buckle. Posner put his hand at Dakin's waist and gently and firmly pushed until Dakin let go of him and backed away.

"No, not this time." He smiled. "Not again."

Dakin looked Posner up and down for a moment. He grinned crookedly. "Maybe you have learned something after all." He took a drag off his cigarette. "I'll see ya, yeah?"

"Yeah," Posner echoed. Dakin headed off into the darkness, making a straighter line for his hall than he had started out with. Posner leaned back against the tree and shivered again, at the cold, at the feel of the hard wood against his back, at his body's response to Dakin's touch. He breathed in and out deeply, steadying himself for the walk back to his own hall. "I heard a lover sing," he said, to give himself something to listen to besides Dakin's receding footsteps. "Under an arch of the railway, love has no ending."


End file.
